Chapter Four: Nausea, Crying and Crying to the Point of Nausea

I’m trying to K.I.S.S. it for you men out there, Keep It Simple Stupid, and have combined these two “issues” into one chapter because honestly, they start pretty much at the same time, DAY ONE, and stop pretty much at the same time, NO TELLING; it’s different for each woman.

Let’s start with the throwing up. It’s going to happen sporadically, anytime, anywhere and you my friend, must become immune to the sight and smell; gagging yourself only urges her on to puke more. You must also develop super powers, able to pull a car across three lanes of traffic to the shoulder on the first gagging noise lest you begin paying repeatedly for car detailing or are some deranged fucker who chooses to clean it yourself. And if you forget to have barf bags stashed in every vehicle, room, and in your pocket on every trip you make outside of your home- you asked for it.

Restaurants, friends’ houses, stores…pretty much anywhere you’re not sure of what smell will linger inside at any given time are your danger zones. And even then, a smell she loved on Tuesday might detonate the pyrotechnics on Thursday, so basically, Boy Scout that shit- ALWAYS PREPARED, because it’s a crap shoot.

The most important piece of advice on this is- AVOID KISSING HER ON THE MOUTH- because well, her breath smells like vomit more often than not. Kisses on the cheek, end of her nose and forehead seemed to appease my girl, stick with these, a lovey dovey look in your eye when you do it…get it wrong and you’re either in for a bout of hurt feelings of epic, hormonal proportions…or sucking face with puke breath.

And the crying; again, anytime, anywhere over anything. Danger zones on these are: chick flicks, fabric softener, ASPCA and/or greeting card commercials. Holiday seasons, when mushy commercials are rampant, break something in your TV that only you can fix while she’s asleep to catch up on ESPN.

You will also need to build up your tolerance for getting easily embarrassed. Practice giving your audiences the whole, subtle ‘she’s pregnant’ universal mouthing and smile; where everyone goes ‘ahhh, been there,’ and goes about the business.

Neither of these things are the worst of it, so master these first and easily; you’ll need your strength and honing skills reserved for what’s to come!


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