Chapter Three: The Walking Sprinkler

This one should be pretty self-explanatory, but I’ll spell it out for you because I know, I know…you’re so confused and terrified these days, your balls shrunk up and inverted and NOTHING is self-explanatory anymore.

Your pregnant angel is going to piss, a lot more than a lot. In fact, you’ll begin to notice she’s outputting more than she drinks…she’ll pee more out in one day than she drank in all of last week, by the hour, every hour. Doesn’t matter if you’re watching the game, or eating a nice dinner, or have friends over, or you’re already in bed. She needs to “tinkle.”

She needed to tinkle before you sat down or got settled or walked out the door, she just didn’t say anything.

***NOWHERE in this book am I able to explain the ONE vow of silence she takes. Quit looking. At least half the time, you’re going to have to stop whatever it is you were doing and join her, or walk her there, or hold her stuff while she goes- basically making you an intricate part of the tenth through eighty-fifth pee production of that, and every other, day.

That’s about it on this topic, but a couple handy side notes I experienced firsthand that I thought important, and fucking hilarious, enough to mention.

1. Do NOT, under any circumstances, tickle her. This is no longer a flirtatious, covert form of foreplay. It’s begging for her to piss on you; plain and simple.

2. Do NOT take a shower with her unless she “went” right before she hopped in with you. The sound of running water calls to her and she WILL piss directly on your foot, smiling innocently and trying to distract you so that you don’t notice the sudden warmer pool you’re standing in.

3. Long road trips- cancel them. Or, don’t even bother setting the cruise control. You’ll be start/stop the entire time.