Chapter Two: No Grabbin’ The Funbags

If you don’t know what funbags are, I’m surprised you were man enough to knock her up in the first place. I won’t even make you shamefully go find the book/dictionary/thesaurus for this. They’re her tits dumbass!

One of the earliest symptoms of pregnancy are tender boobs. So if your lady is one who indulges your love of breasts, lets you fondle them, squeeze em, suck on em till your heart’s content and dick is buried…find your inner gentle or new playground, because those beauts are closed for your kind of business. You risk putting her completely out of the mood, even crying in pain and kicking you out of the bed and room, if you even so much as graze the side of one too hard.

My advice is to stay below the navel and perfect a new talent. But if she grabs your hand and places it back on her breast, stay calm, and let her lead.

This is one of the hardest steps to master, because not only are your hands always itching to play with them, I feel your pain brother, but they get bigger! Out of nowhere, one day, they’ve doubled in sized, thus doubling your temptation and urge to latch onto one for dear life. No can do, turn and walk away, then go roll your balls around in your hand and do the best you can to picture her ever-inflating mounds of pleasure in your head as you do so. And yes, this is the best plan I’ve got.

I myself am a tit man, pained to the core when I got grounded, so I definitely put a lot of thought into alternatives. There are none, or any that won’t get you killed; aka do not go grabbing stranger’s racks, crying out desperately that you just miss it!

And if you do break, and subsequently get arrested, do NOT call your woman to bail you out. Call your buddy who your woman hates, that she’d never talk to. Always think ahead, two steps down the “what’s the worst that could happen” road. That’s the path you need to stay on til you’re straight in the head again.